From Disorder to Surrender
Ten months.
Ten months ago, I started to satisfy my hunger with soup because I was afraid of eating carbohydrates. Ten months ago, I decided I wasn’t allowed to feel ‘full’ anymore. Ten months ago, I looked in the mirror, at my stomach and felt absolutely defeated.
I started restricting my food intake last October, and continued to do so because there were no immediate consequences. I still had energy, I was doing well in school, and I seemed to have everything more or less together. But, when I saw my ribs poking through the skin of my back one day, I knew my desire to exert control over every aspect of my life had turned into something extremely detrimental. I knew this physical weakness was a result of not fully entrusting my heart to Him, the one who made it; I had failed to nourish the body that housed my heart. I had not respected my body as a temple of the Holy Spirit and instead of letting the Spirit free me, I’d tied it up in chains.
I had forsaken the Father. There was no question about it. But through his forgiveness and mercy, He had not forsaken me. Instead, He turned my sinfulness into a way to initiate His marvelous plan. I stumbled across a podcast called ‘The Catholic Feminist’ on Instagram one evening and downloaded it out of interest, only to scroll through the list of episodes and find one entitled “Healing from Disordered Eating By the Grace of God.” Upon seeing that title, I felt my heart leap in my chest. Perhaps God had interrupted my aimless scrolling to deliver a message of encouragement? As I listened to the story, I became deeply moved by the full credit she gave God, in her road to recovery. During her healing process, she had made a commitment to attend Mass every day for forty days, and through Communion with Him she had been healed. At first, I was a little doubtful that the same thing would happen to me. I had struggled for a long time to feel a personal connection to the Eucharist, and only in the last few months have I been beginning to understand and experience its saving power. But, I wanted to give God a chance. After all,
Ten months ago, I started to satisfy my hunger with soup because I was afraid of eating carbohydrates. Ten months ago, I decided I wasn’t allowed to feel ‘full’ anymore. Ten months ago, I looked in the mirror, at my stomach and felt absolutely defeated.
I started restricting my food intake last October, and continued to do so because there were no immediate consequences. I still had energy, I was doing well in school, and I seemed to have everything more or less together. But, when I saw my ribs poking through the skin of my back one day, I knew my desire to exert control over every aspect of my life had turned into something extremely detrimental. I knew this physical weakness was a result of not fully entrusting my heart to Him, the one who made it; I had failed to nourish the body that housed my heart. I had not respected my body as a temple of the Holy Spirit and instead of letting the Spirit free me, I’d tied it up in chains.
I had forsaken the Father. There was no question about it. But through his forgiveness and mercy, He had not forsaken me. Instead, He turned my sinfulness into a way to initiate His marvelous plan. I stumbled across a podcast called ‘The Catholic Feminist’ on Instagram one evening and downloaded it out of interest, only to scroll through the list of episodes and find one entitled “Healing from Disordered Eating By the Grace of God.” Upon seeing that title, I felt my heart leap in my chest. Perhaps God had interrupted my aimless scrolling to deliver a message of encouragement? As I listened to the story, I became deeply moved by the full credit she gave God, in her road to recovery. During her healing process, she had made a commitment to attend Mass every day for forty days, and through Communion with Him she had been healed. At first, I was a little doubtful that the same thing would happen to me. I had struggled for a long time to feel a personal connection to the Eucharist, and only in the last few months have I been beginning to understand and experience its saving power. But, I wanted to give God a chance. After all,
“Christ took away our infirmities and bore our diseases.” (Mt 8:17)
He is capable of working miracles, and has healed so many because of their great faith in Him. Perhaps, if I turned back to Him with an earnest and repentant heart, He would heal me too. And so, I pledged to attend mass one extra day a week, with the hope that the body of Christ would restore my body.
The weeks following my encounter with the podcast were filled with appointments. My weight was fluctuating more than anticipated, and I went through a period of significant uncertainty with regards to the root cause of my weight loss. My health anxiety, having been dormant for the last nine years, was reawakened as I questioned what might be wrong with my body. Was there something secretive and sinister wreaking havoc inside me? Other health concerns began to arise, and all of it was making my head spin. More than once, I buckled to my knees on the brink of tears, crying out: “God, what is happening to me?” But, I realized that if there was something else going on and I didn’t know what it was, there was very little I could do about it except trust. Trust that God would heal me, in whatever way He thought best.
During this time, I wrestled profoundly with the idea of God’s will. I had no idea what God was trying to accomplish by allowing me to carry this cross. But, there was no way I could figure it out; His will wasn’t something I could control or even begin to fully understand. The only thing I could do, really, was trust and surrender, two concepts I was very, very uncomfortable with. I'm used to holding onto control with a death grip. Clearly, that wasn’t working for me in this situation, though, so I had to try to let go. Every day, multiple times a day, I prayed, “Jesus, help me to submit to your will”. I didn’t always feel like I meant it, but I did my best to earnestly offer my heart to Him, trying to let go of the belief that I had sovereignty over my life and could abandon it all to Him instead.
I started offering things up, and when I did just that, the anxiety subsided, and surrender became a little easier. Whenever I felt shame, frustration, and judgment arise, I offered it up. I would walk to the bus stop, discreetly holding my palms up, asking Jesus to keep me open to His goodness at all times. The more I let go, the more I started to realize how much in my life I had to be grateful for. As God began to move my heart into a posture of gratitude, I became more and more able to acknowledge His presence and celebrate life .
My Faith in God was beginning to become my true stronghold, and I wanted it to be intricately woven into all aspects of my life. I worked on using social media as a resource to inspire me in my faith: Instagram words of wisdom, blogs, and a Facebook community full of faithful Christian women grounded my screen time. I had just started a new job, and every time I felt frustrated or inadequate, I took a deep breath and surrendered it all upwards. I tried to be truly present at every Mass I attended, recognizing that every time I accepted the Eucharist, I was receiving the bread of life. And, I felt Christ respond to my increased steadfastness. He sent me the support of kind friends, amazing resources, good conversations, and opportunities for growth. He showed me clearly how much He loves me.
I am still going through this journey, but every day He seeks to draw me closer to Him, and every day He is healing me more. My weight has since stabilized, I’m able to stick to my meal plan, and the restrictive tendencies are becoming easier to ignore. I still have tough days, but I'm actively seeking out strategies to overcome them. The heavy weight that had burdened my heart is slowly being lifted, and I feel more intimately connected to God than I ever have been before. I am truly content for the first time in a year. I’ve realized I don’t have as much agency in my life as I thought I did, and I’m okay with that because every day God works new wonders in it,in me.
There is such beauty and joy found in surrender. My attempt to hold onto control is what got me into this situation; surrender is what was needed to get me out of it. It is difficult to admit we cannot control the events of our lives. But, there is something beautiful and redeeming about making a genuine effort to give it all up to the One who has planned it all out for us. He has freed me from the chains with which I had shackled myself. He has given me the strength to press onwards. Every day, He takes me into his arms and whispers anew, “Fear not, my daughter, for you are safe with me.” I just had to let go. I just had to give Him the reins and let Him do his thing.
And what a beautiful thing it is.
-Meghan Chen 3rd year UBC student whose heart and mind are being opened by Jesus more and more each day.
The weeks following my encounter with the podcast were filled with appointments. My weight was fluctuating more than anticipated, and I went through a period of significant uncertainty with regards to the root cause of my weight loss. My health anxiety, having been dormant for the last nine years, was reawakened as I questioned what might be wrong with my body. Was there something secretive and sinister wreaking havoc inside me? Other health concerns began to arise, and all of it was making my head spin. More than once, I buckled to my knees on the brink of tears, crying out: “God, what is happening to me?” But, I realized that if there was something else going on and I didn’t know what it was, there was very little I could do about it except trust. Trust that God would heal me, in whatever way He thought best.
During this time, I wrestled profoundly with the idea of God’s will. I had no idea what God was trying to accomplish by allowing me to carry this cross. But, there was no way I could figure it out; His will wasn’t something I could control or even begin to fully understand. The only thing I could do, really, was trust and surrender, two concepts I was very, very uncomfortable with. I'm used to holding onto control with a death grip. Clearly, that wasn’t working for me in this situation, though, so I had to try to let go. Every day, multiple times a day, I prayed, “Jesus, help me to submit to your will”. I didn’t always feel like I meant it, but I did my best to earnestly offer my heart to Him, trying to let go of the belief that I had sovereignty over my life and could abandon it all to Him instead.
I started offering things up, and when I did just that, the anxiety subsided, and surrender became a little easier. Whenever I felt shame, frustration, and judgment arise, I offered it up. I would walk to the bus stop, discreetly holding my palms up, asking Jesus to keep me open to His goodness at all times. The more I let go, the more I started to realize how much in my life I had to be grateful for. As God began to move my heart into a posture of gratitude, I became more and more able to acknowledge His presence and celebrate life .
My Faith in God was beginning to become my true stronghold, and I wanted it to be intricately woven into all aspects of my life. I worked on using social media as a resource to inspire me in my faith: Instagram words of wisdom, blogs, and a Facebook community full of faithful Christian women grounded my screen time. I had just started a new job, and every time I felt frustrated or inadequate, I took a deep breath and surrendered it all upwards. I tried to be truly present at every Mass I attended, recognizing that every time I accepted the Eucharist, I was receiving the bread of life. And, I felt Christ respond to my increased steadfastness. He sent me the support of kind friends, amazing resources, good conversations, and opportunities for growth. He showed me clearly how much He loves me.
I am still going through this journey, but every day He seeks to draw me closer to Him, and every day He is healing me more. My weight has since stabilized, I’m able to stick to my meal plan, and the restrictive tendencies are becoming easier to ignore. I still have tough days, but I'm actively seeking out strategies to overcome them. The heavy weight that had burdened my heart is slowly being lifted, and I feel more intimately connected to God than I ever have been before. I am truly content for the first time in a year. I’ve realized I don’t have as much agency in my life as I thought I did, and I’m okay with that because every day God works new wonders in it,in me.
There is such beauty and joy found in surrender. My attempt to hold onto control is what got me into this situation; surrender is what was needed to get me out of it. It is difficult to admit we cannot control the events of our lives. But, there is something beautiful and redeeming about making a genuine effort to give it all up to the One who has planned it all out for us. He has freed me from the chains with which I had shackled myself. He has given me the strength to press onwards. Every day, He takes me into his arms and whispers anew, “Fear not, my daughter, for you are safe with me.” I just had to let go. I just had to give Him the reins and let Him do his thing.
And what a beautiful thing it is.
-Meghan Chen 3rd year UBC student whose heart and mind are being opened by Jesus more and more each day.
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